May 2015 by Harper M.
I walked in last week to cash a check. There was a guy sitting at the desk. No greeting. He finally looked up and I asked him if I could cash a check. He looked at me like I had lost my mind. Then he pointed to the "teller" line that lead to the automated teller kiosks with phone receivers. Face back down in his paperwork. I didn't see any people so I still didn't still didn't quite get it. I don't really like people, so I didn't MISS the people; I just didn't see any. So I pointed and said, "Oh, here!" Didn't look up from paperwork and said, "Yep". Three truths here. 1. I had never been in a bank with Android tellers before. 2. I had never been in a bank with no human contact with tellers before. 3. I was slow on the uptake that day. Now, I'm a total geek with a higher than average IQ and I indeed do possess the Sarcasm Gene. (Not to be confused with snark-asm, sarcasm's diabolical cousin although I possess both.) I just love the sterility of machines, Pi, the conundrum that is Schroedinger's Cat, Fibonacci Numbers, Batman and no human contact. I have a slightly serious NASA obsession. I love Pií±a Coladas and getting caught in the....wait....I never drink. It dulls my hate. Speaking of hate, I hated my banking experience. I just wasn't thinking, "Oh, how Jetson-ish! Or "Oh, how Comic-Con cool...mayhaps I'll wear my Sith Lord's Concubine Bustier ensemble next time I come in!" (Of course, I can't wear the crown because it is still in the box and I can't open it or it would instantaneously depreciate to $1.98.) Well, there's that, and I have vowed that I will never again own anything that depreciated faster than my Jaguar. Just so we are clear, Jaguar is dead to me. Here's a suggestion. When someone walks in to your unconventional bank and looks flummoxed, it's because, well, they are. The appropriate solution to that is to ask the customer if they know how to use your kiosks. If they say, "No", then one could roll their eyes, wring their hands and say, "Drats" under their breath and then drag themselves away from their desk and introduce the customer to the kiosk. Gasp! I know, I'm really thinking outside the Flux Capacitor. If you are way too busy with your paperwork to help a PESKY customer, then perhaps the customer could be offered a chair and another employee could be summoned to help said customer. After all, your utterly ridiculous customer cannot possibly know what kind of Secret Squirrel (Google it...he's 1960's cool) paperwork you are engaged in. How does your customer know that you are not handling paperwork with top secret CIA clearance, or perhaps otherwise engaged in developing a heart-lung Transplant Priority List in the form of an Excel spreadsheet? Certainly, only those two kinds of paperwork emergencies would be an excuse for putting paperwork before helping a real, live customer who can bank anywhere, and yet chose to bank with you.
