October 2023 by Ronie Johnson
It was probably a mix of delirium and anxiety. Anxiety triggered by lack of sleep, lack of sleep triggered by anxiety and when my hormones plummeted, it came over me like a giant wave about to smash down on me. I got up immediately and tried to shake it off and remind myself it is just irrational fear, which normally I can reel myself back in. This time I could not. Felt like I couldn’t breathe even though I knew I was breathing. Everytime I started to doze off I gasped for air, so after getting up I paced around and then tried to go outside for air and that didn’t help either. We didn’t want to drag the baby out at 6 days old so and ambulance from the nearest rinky dink town came, came inside the camper, it was a wreck we were a mess. I was trying to pour breast milk into a bottle before I left. I was shaking, worst panic of my life, I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t answer their questions. And then seemingly got upset with ME for not making small talk in the ambulance. Prior to this I called my OBs office and the midwife said go straight to the hospital and they would give me IV drugs to settle me and she would see me in two days to figure out a plan.This rinky dink hospital was no nicer, cleaner or bigger than like a run down nursing home.Still hyperventilating and my intrusive thoughts making it worse, they shut me in a room and left me for 20 minutes, I was wailing and sobbing so hard and loud, I couldn’t stop. I finally walked out into the hall and begged for someone to help me. I was met by the female dr who said “what is it exactly that’s wrong with you?” Ok cool no bedside manner. I said I have a history of debilitating anxiety and a 6 day old baby and I’m having a severe panic attack and feel like I can’t breathe. And I quote “well you are clearly breathing.” As her and the nurse roll their eyes at me. They then told me they were calling the psych woman and sending me to a ward was my only option. For so so many reason all of that was only exacerbating my panic. Be away from my baby?! No. I cried and pleaded for her to just help me and give me grace and she once again “ha well I don’t think I’m mean to my patients” looks at her nurse and nurse agrees with her. I told her what the midwife at my birthing hospital 2 hours away told me to do and they just looked at me like I was stupid. I keep pleading that I did not want to hurt myself or the baby! Why the heck eas I not getting treatment?! I had been there 30+ Minutes and no one offered even an antihistamine to help settle my brain down. I got up still bawling and said I’m checking myself out. They were happy to see me go. Now- someone not educated or versed in or living with mental health issues would not have a clue what to do. I luckily did, I got the hell out of there. They watched me in the freezing cold sit on the curb alone waiting for Brandon who had to load up baby and come get me to take me to the big hospital. Such a relief. They could see my chart, they were a well oiled machine. Their bedside manner was phenomenal, they talked to me, made me feel safe, and gave me an antihistamine and waited until it kicked in and I finally slept.The whole thing still infuriates me. I truly believe they could have caused someone to commit suicide or hurt their baby or get so bad they end up with pp psychosis. BUT that’s why I’m doing what I do. No one should ever feel the way they made me feel. Hands down worst hospital experience to this day. That tiny hospital clearly had no bedside manner as well as zero education on mental health of any kind. The did all the things that make it worse.I know the system is flawed and emergency rooms are always equipped for mental health cases but when a walk in clinic isn’t open- what do we do?
